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countthecatsMy Dearest Iago,
If you're reading this, I'm already gone. Disposed of by an Admiral who no longer finds me amusing. Returned to start my fourth life, in a world where I have nothing but a ghost who can't wait to see the back of me. A ghost whose name hasn't passed my lips in months. Because of you.
I've known for a while now that you wouldn't choose me, in the end. I've known since it became clear that you weren't seeing the witch to find ways to hurt her anymore, despite what she did to me. I was willing to look away so I could still have you. Still pretend to myself that I could give you things no one else could. I thought perhaps you would graduate, and you would tell me where you were going, and I could pretend that I would join you soon.
Pretend, because I've never believed I could graduate.
Pretend, because I fear I'll be unmade should I set foot in a new world outside of Bast's influence, without the Admiral's power holding me together.
Pretend, because the idea of leaving my Court makes me feel like I'm dying. They are not mine, you see. I am theirs. I could no more abandon them than stop breathing.
It matters not. I could've fed you sweet lies for a few days, said our goodbyes, let your new life soften any disappointment you might feel once you realized I wasn't following you. I could not pretend for weeks, months, however long it takes. Not even for a world that has more to offer you than I ever could.
So go, Iago. Graduate. Unlike me, you could always do anything, be anything you wanted to. Unlike me, you could go anywhere you please. I have been lonely for hundreds of years, and will be lonely hundreds more. I wish I could hiss and spit and claw and blame you for what I feel now, but in truth you have left me no worse off than I was before.
And thanks to you, there will have been a time in my long life where I wasn't so lonely, for a small while.
You have my blessings, my love.
P.S. Hanna, if you're reading this you're a piece of shit. Fuck off.
If you're reading this, I'm already gone. Disposed of by an Admiral who no longer finds me amusing. Returned to start my fourth life, in a world where I have nothing but a ghost who can't wait to see the back of me. A ghost whose name hasn't passed my lips in months. Because of you.
I've known for a while now that you wouldn't choose me, in the end. I've known since it became clear that you weren't seeing the witch to find ways to hurt her anymore, despite what she did to me. I was willing to look away so I could still have you. Still pretend to myself that I could give you things no one else could. I thought perhaps you would graduate, and you would tell me where you were going, and I could pretend that I would join you soon.
Pretend, because I've never believed I could graduate.
Pretend, because I fear I'll be unmade should I set foot in a new world outside of Bast's influence, without the Admiral's power holding me together.
Pretend, because the idea of leaving my Court makes me feel like I'm dying. They are not mine, you see. I am theirs. I could no more abandon them than stop breathing.
It matters not. I could've fed you sweet lies for a few days, said our goodbyes, let your new life soften any disappointment you might feel once you realized I wasn't following you. I could not pretend for weeks, months, however long it takes. Not even for a world that has more to offer you than I ever could.
So go, Iago. Graduate. Unlike me, you could always do anything, be anything you wanted to. Unlike me, you could go anywhere you please. I have been lonely for hundreds of years, and will be lonely hundreds more. I wish I could hiss and spit and claw and blame you for what I feel now, but in truth you have left me no worse off than I was before.
And thanks to you, there will have been a time in my long life where I wasn't so lonely, for a small while.
You have my blessings, my love.
P.S. Hanna, if you're reading this you're a piece of shit. Fuck off.
